Well, it has definitely been a time and a half. A nine month hiatus leaves a lot to be discussed. I've come to learn a lot about myself. Mostly how I am my own worst enemy. I truly have not felt like myself for the past year of my life and it has everything to do with some serious walls I built for myself. I told myself I was done being vulnerable and I wasn't going to let anything get to me. So I haven't. Brick by brick I have built a masterpiece of a fortress around me this past year (and the final brick was laid right after my first week of EFY this past summer (great timing). So much so that I have been told to my face that I walk around with an invisible sign on my forehead that says "Eff-off".
That's not who I am.
That's not who I want to be. Ever.
When I built my fortress, it definitely kept me from feeling vulnerable and feeling hurt. It also kept me from feeling anything for that matter. Joy, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Charitable, Sympathetic, Teachable, Inspired, Free, Hopeful, Compassionate, Loving. All I felt was indifferent. To everything. I know I have hurt some
people in the past year because of my indifference and insincerity. That
is something I regret and am deeply sorry about. I am happy and I love to laugh and have a good time and that is genuine, but it takes me a lot to get to that point of being myself around very many people. I have also not nurtured the relationships that are so important to me. My relationships with everyone mean everything to me. I love people!
Walls kept me from feeling the spirit as strongly as I have in the past. I am not doubting anything I know to be true, my testimony is strong, but I can feel a difference in my life when the spirit it stronger and I am actively seeking to keep the spirit with me.
Now, I'm not saying I've been this unapproachable girl for the past year. I have made incredible friends and had really great adventures and so many wonderful experiences and have had some truly joyful moments. I'm probably not doing a great job of explaining myself, and I am probably making myself sound worse than I am. I have learned so much and have been so grateful for the experiences I have had.
In the past month or so I have been praying to feel more and to be humbled more and to trust others and myself enough again to start bringing down my fortress brick by brick. This has not been easy. So I think putting myself out there more and being more honest about what I do feel (like how it is okay to feel disappointment and it is okay to let someone love you) will help me on this really scary path of breaking down the walls and leaving them in the dust. I'm a pretty nostalgic individual and I compare the present to the past a lot. Which isn't fair. "Don't mess with the memories of a life passed on." I've already put a lot of things behind me and I can feel the huge difference it has on me already. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who can lead me by the hand and who are patient with me when I don't know how to be patient with myself. I want to live my life in a way that I will always have the spirit with me, because you can't feel the love that the Savior and Heavenly Father have for you if you don't. And I know they love me and they know me by name. That has been very evident in my life the past couple of months. I have been so blessed.
I know I rambled a lot in this post. This wasn't meant to be a venting type thing. I'm too prideful for that
Bottom line: I'm here, I'm present, I'm alive, and I'm starting to get back to who I am supposed to be. Just try to be patient with me as I try to be patient with myself.
