The Cure for an Achey Heart

It's been a funny week. My heart is achey and there have been a lot of ups and downs. Last night I went down to Salt Lake and saw my girl Ingrid Michaelson sing it up. Definitely one of the top 3 best concerts I've ever been to. I think she is better live than on her recordings, so she has earned some brownie points and a special place in this girls achey heart. And that heart was a lot less achey last night for sure, in fact it was the best medicine for it. So thank you Ingrid for a really awesome time and for giving this girl something else to feel for a while. 

 

Sacrifice Brings Forth the Blessings of Heaven

... that has been the phrase that has been running through my head tonight. Making sacrifices can be hard. Sacrifice is the opposite of selfishness. I try not to be a selfish person. But I find as I get older that I am selfish in different ways than my teenage self was. I have let go of the petty high school selfishness that comes with the territory of being at that age, but with that comes different things to be greedy about. If you're not careful, the things you are selfish about when you're older can be more self-destructive.

   So I think I'm coming to understand the importance of sacrifice more and more. I've had to make a few sacrifices lately. Some have definitely been harder than others and if it has been for people I love then I am happy to do it and it leads to a greater desire to make those kinds of decisions. I'm not saying we have to be martyrs and give up all the things we've ever desired. It's been a learning experience for me that when we choose to make sacrifices that we've been asked to make we are blessed ten-fold in other ways. Exercising our agency to make sacrifices and then doing so out of love makes the difference.

    Making a sacrifice out of obedience is a gift, making a sacrifice out of love is power.

Absence

Well, it has definitely been a time and a half. A nine month hiatus leaves a lot to be discussed. I've come to learn a lot about myself. Mostly how I am my own worst enemy. I truly have not felt like myself for the past year of my life and it has everything to do with some serious walls I built for myself. I told myself I was done being vulnerable and I wasn't going to let anything get to me. So I haven't. Brick by brick I have built a masterpiece of a fortress around me this past year (and the final brick was laid right after my first week of EFY this past summer (great timing). So much so that I have been told to my face that I walk around with an invisible sign on my forehead that says "Eff-off".

That's not who I am.
That's not who I want to be. Ever.

When I built my fortress, it definitely kept me from feeling vulnerable and feeling hurt. It also kept me from feeling anything for that matter. Joy, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Charitable, Sympathetic, Teachable, Inspired, Free, Hopeful, Compassionate, Loving. All I felt was indifferent. To everything. I know I have hurt some people in the past year because of my indifference and insincerity. That is something I regret and am deeply sorry about. I am happy and I love to laugh and have a good time and that is genuine, but it takes me a lot to get to that point of being myself around very many people. I have also not nurtured the relationships that are so important to me. My relationships with everyone mean everything to me. I love people!

Walls kept me from feeling the spirit as strongly as I have in the past. I am not doubting anything I know to be true, my testimony is strong, but I can feel a difference in my life when the spirit it stronger and I am actively seeking to keep the spirit with me.

Now, I'm not saying I've been this unapproachable girl for the past year. I have made incredible friends and had really great adventures and so many wonderful experiences and have had some truly joyful moments. I'm probably not doing a great job of explaining myself, and I am probably making myself sound worse than I am. I have learned so much and have been so grateful for the experiences I have had.

In the past month or so I have been praying to feel more and to be humbled more and to trust others and myself enough again to start bringing down my fortress brick by brick. This has not been easy. So I think putting myself out there more and being more honest about what I do feel (like how it is okay to feel disappointment and it is okay to let someone love you) will help me on this really scary path of breaking down the walls and leaving them in the dust. I'm a pretty nostalgic individual and I compare the present to the past a lot. Which isn't fair. "Don't mess with the memories of a life passed on." I've already put a lot of things behind me and I can feel the huge difference it has on me already. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who can lead me by the hand and who are patient with me when I don't know how to be patient with myself. I want to live my life in a way that I will always have the spirit with me, because you can't feel the love that the Savior and Heavenly Father have for you if you don't. And I know they love me and they know me by name. That has been very evident in my life the past couple of months. I have been so blessed.

I know I rambled a lot in this post. This wasn't meant to be a venting type thing. I'm too prideful for that

Bottom line: I'm here, I'm present, I'm alive, and I'm starting to get back to who I am supposed to be. Just try to be patient with me as I try to be patient with myself.